From Mothering to Mentoring
Wait! What? What do mean I am an empty nester? They left me? Are you kidding me right now? How’d they go from dimples, to pimples to beards so quickly? Can’t I make just a few more PBJs? I want to smell their little heads after playing outside on their swing set or their bikes. You know the stinky, sweaty smell! They’d loudly run inside, slam the door, and begin begging for juice while you grab them for a big ole hug! Oh, those were the days! What in the heck am I suppose to do with them all grown up and gone? I need a few more years of tearing up my feet on match box cars and legos when I shut down the house at the end of the day. I need to read Good Night Moon and Brown Bear while snuggling beside a toddler bed…just a couple more times. I mean, what do we talk about if I’m not telling them how to live right, what time to be home after their date with a sweet young lady, how to use nice words on the playground, and how important it is to use gentle and kind hands with kittens, and best friends, and Mommy? How do I control their every move? They may not say their prayers and brush their teeth! They could fall! Their Daddy needs a few more Wrestle Mania nights in the center of the living room floor with boys piled high and laughing hysterically in their ninja turtle undies or space ship jammies! They need more Daddy Donut Days and fishing trips. They could get hurt in this big ole world! They could fail? Or worse, they could…well, they could succeed and be happy…all without me. I had it ALL! Life was so busy but I was completely in control of everyone and everything, and I loved it! Hahaha! I’m not alone in this, right?
But now, we are all on the struggle bus of learning to let go gracefully.
We actually have three remarkably independent and precious young adult sons. I’m gonna share about the boys in this first post kinda heavy and then you’ll know them when I bring them up in the future! Bragging and confession time…I’ll try to be brief!
The Eldest has finished college. He is in a techy field that I will never understand and is married to the most amazing Godly woman. I’m convinced the Lord specifically created her with a particularly unique sense of humor, and the grand patience of Job, in preparation of joining my precious son’s soul for life. She is in the medical field and brilliant as all get out and such a blessing to all of us! I’ll refer to her as Dilly (DAUGHTER IN LOVE). Eldest is actually the one I’m learning on. He’s loud, opinionated, pretty set in his ways, and the pioneer of the boys. But, he is also endearing and kind. As a teenager, he once made a video with his brothers for me and spent all night editing it in celebration of Mother’s Day. He woke up one random day and began calling me “Madre” and his brothers followed suit! He’s focused, smart, and loves me but doesn’t overly care what I think! He’s the first one to jump and push me to my limits and some days I love it! These two young people made us grandparents for the first time and are the Mommy and Daddy to the most beautiful “tiny but mighty” thing you ever laid eyes on. She is the perfect combination of the two of them and makes my heart hurt with love! She’s gonna be called TBM (TINY BUT MIGHTY).
Middleman is quiet but apparently the life of the party when I’m not around. He’s sensitive and kind. He has a gift of being able to multitask better than anyone I’ve ever known. It isn’t odd to walk in his room and see him studying for a test he has the next day, playing a video game, eating dinner, working on fantasy football junk, planning a pick up game of basketball for that night via text, and talking to me about how “he’s got it” when I complain that he is showing no focus. Annoyingly, he will get an A on that test! Hubs and I just simply don’t get it! He has friends I know nothing about, scholarships that just pop up, and a humble smile that hides his thoughts. He’s kinda the mystery child! I know he loves me beyond measure even though he is a child of few words. He’s 6’4 and a senior in college but still leans in for a big hug when he comes home or leaves to go back to school! I’m not sure whether he will be in Saltillo, DC, somewhere overseas OR the moon in another few years. He’s the wild card out of the three!
Our Least of Beast is the one we worried about at the beginning of his life but is the least of our concerns now! He was a terror from zero to five years old and I know everyone would agree with me, including him! We were held hostage in our home because taking him out was torture for everyone in the community! He was un-real! We were told to hold him back in Kindergarten because he was “immature”. I shared with his teacher that no, we weren’t holding him back, and that he wasn’t immature, he was simply BAD! Lol! God is in the business of miracles because now? That rotten kid is a total delight! He’s also exceptionally bright and our perpetual planner. He is the one I don’t worry about making dumb college mistakes and he will call out those who do screw up straight to their faces. He studies weeks ahead. He pragmatically prepares for everything from his school work to his play time. He spends most evenings in the gym with his teammates (power lifting) and has multiple avenues planned out for his future. He will sit and talk to me for hours about anything and everything going on in his world! And, music is his past time! He plays his guitars and sings whenever he has a spare moment.
I can proudly say all of our children are outstanding and all scare the death out of me just about daily! Some of you know them and can see your kids in mine! Before long, you’ll know them all well. But, it’s safe to say, some days it’s better for me to be miles and miles and miles away from their every day life decisions! Each is confident, each takes risks that their Daddy and I never would, and each sees the world as their oyster!
So, I’ve come to realize as they slowly trickled out of my home that my new job, my new life’s work, my new challenge, is being their Mentor not their Mom. Some days, especially at the beginning of playing my new mentoring part in their show, I pushed to be more of a main character. I wanted to jump back in to parenting, flying out advice, pushing a little hard, and stepping outside my mentor position. The truth is, it’s hard to realize that my new role is more behind the scenes setting an example and quietly being supportive. My new job is kinda like being the “extra” in their movie. I come on and off scene, add a little humor to their plot and some endearing “Andy Griffith” type moments at the dinner table , but my job, my primary purpose, is to allow them to stay the star of their show. Some days, they will forget their lines or bumble their role so to speak. That’s when I am there, but only after they come to me for help. Then and only then should I sneak in with the pep talk,the gentle advice, the reminder of their worth, and the words our Heavenly Father put on me at the time.
Let me tell you the beauty of mentoring your children. I’ve only been doing this about seven years now, but the joy of primarily being a spectator is way more fulfilling than I ever imagined. Hubs and I love our new role! We’ve sat back and watched graduations, adult breakups, homesickness, bad college decisions, worse financial decisions, car accidents, long hair and longer beards, career choices, job changes, speeding tickets, great grades, not so great grades, brotherly love, political discussions, engagements, weddings, births, and we’ve persevered. On some occasion, I’ve slipped and tried to go back in to my former role. But, all in all, I think we’ve embraced our new places in life pretty well! The truth is, it doesn’t just hurt them for me to march backwards and start ruling the roost again, it stunts my growth too. I deserve my new found freedoms and the release from owning their choices, successes and failures! It’s actually quite liberating to say “not my monkeys, not my circus” while giggling from the outside!
Here are my observations to what helps in this transition. First, surround yourself with friends who you see doing it right! They will become your tribe. I have four couples that I watch and try to emulate. I see them as my mentors even though I’ve never told them so! Second, remind yourself daily that your children are not and never were YOUR CHILDREN to begin with. God loaned and entrusted them to you for a very short time until they could manage without you. Finally, my mother had a wonderful friend who shared with her these wise words. When you have adult children, you parent from your knees. I just love that! We can’t have our hands in every aspect of their lives but we can sure pray for them!
If you were at my home this past weekend, you’d have seen five dogs, four young adults, a precious toddling one year old that keeps us all her audience, and Hubs and I eating up every single minute. We had cooking, football, eating, jazz music, trips to the nursery to buy pumpkins, barking, wine and other spirits, a roaring fire outside being enjoyed from a swing and chairs surrounding it, cigars, laughter, baby toys everywhere, cell phones and cameras capturing every second, an all the news from Saltillo, to Oxford to Starkville to Hattiesburg! We made memories. Big, loud, chaotic, wonderful memories!
The Hubs and I waved big and high until each car disappeared around the corner of our neighborhood then came back in our home feeling BLESSED. We were blessed… and EXHAUSTED! lol! The reason the Lord gave us our children young is he knew we would fall down in joyful exhaustion after three days! That very night we climbed in to bed thankful to be Mentors! Thankful that parenting is over and a new found relationship has begun with our kiddos! I’m just smiling and wondering, WHAT’S NEXT!
God Set The Lonely In Families. Psalms 68:6
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